The Cruising Yacht Club of Australia board and the Sydney Amateurs Sailing Club board decided to engage in a small match race to settle a dispute. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The sasc board won by a mile.

The cyca board team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. The CEO decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The sasc board team had eight people sailing, one person steering and a member manning the bar.  the cyca board team had one person sailing, eight people steering and 22 full time staff managing the bistro.

After a year of study and a small fortune of members funds spent analysing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were sailing on the cyca board team. So as race day neared again the following year, the cyca board team's management structure was completely reorganised. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person sailing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the sasc board won by TWO miles!

Humiliated, the cyca board laid off the sailor for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. That’s the difference between a club with a CEO and a club with a plain old part time manager.

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Double trouble

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated folk-boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

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TITS OUT TO HERE 

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya...  Yesterday I was out varnishing' my boat, just varnishing' my boat, and a redhead came up to me...  tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a sail in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a sail in my boat.'  So I took her way out, Dave. I let out the sails and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'  She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave...  I gotta tell ya...  Yesterday I was out varnishing' my boat, just varnishing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!  She said 'Can I have a sail in your boat?' "Sure you can have a sail in my boat."  So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one.  I let out the sails and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya....  Yesterday I was out varnishing my boat, just varnishing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here.  I had more wood than my boat does.  She says 'Can I have a sail in your boat?' "Sure you can have a sail in my boat."  So I took her way out,

Dave, way WAY out...  much further than the last two. I let out the sails, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'.

Then, she pulled down her pants.... 

she had a dick, Dave !!! 

She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

....    Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

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flag is at half mast...

Two guys are on board preparing for the mid week afternoon race. They’re moored just near a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession headed across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. When the procession passed by he sat down and continued rigging up in silence. His mate remarks, "That was very touching. I didn't know you were such a sensitive and compassionate guy!" To which the other fellow replies , "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do- after all, I was married to her for 40 years!"

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It was exam time at Pacific Sailing School. Terry sprung some impromptu questions at a smart arse student...

 "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Too close to home (or at least very close to Hobart!)...

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" he asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

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Now that's a Mate!...

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night! So she called her husbands best mate from the yacht club, who was a  doctor, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

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