Two, not too bright, sailors sank their boat and ended up in the life raft. After three days (one without water, two without food and three without beer) they felt something bouncing up against the raft. When they looked, they found an oil lamp. After deciding that it probably wasn't a genie, they decided to try anyway. Sure enough, out pops a genie with an attitude. "I know your types, three wishes and back in the bottle. So I will only grant you one wish and I will be gone." The genius of the two blurts out " I want all the beer we could ever drink in a lifetime." The genie replies "So be it" disappears and turns the entire ocean to beer. The other genius slaps his buddy upside the head and says "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the raft" Cheers!

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You know you are a sailor when…

1. you think a Rhodes Scholar is someone who knows all about a famous boat designer...
2. any of your wedding gifts came from West Marine...
3. you think girls look "hot" in wet weather gear...
4. your doctor reports your injuries to Abuse Authorities...
5. you think rum is the official state drink..
6. your best shoes are Topsiders...
7. your car's hood ornament is the top off of a sailing trophy...
8.your idol is Jimmy Buffet...
9. your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices...
10. you read Latitude 38 under the covers with a flashlight...
11.your underwear has a North Sails logo...
12. your bar tab equals your paycheck...
13.you have a beer can crusher mounted on your mast...
14.you use a marlin spike to break sunburn blisters...
15. you have at least one broken boat part in your car at all times...
16.you have a Mount Gay poster in your living room...
17.you've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer...
18.you have a Jell-O mold in the shape of a J/22...
19. your vacation plans center around championship regattas...
20.you have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart..
21. you think of duct tape as a long term investment..
22. you've been involved in a fight over the last chocolate chip cookie...
23. you wear a sailing cap to church..
24. people are afraid to touch your foul weather gear...
25.you think matching wet weather boots are an acceptable wedding gift...
26.you've ever written your resume on a bar napkin...
27.your wind instruments cost $2,000, and you have a bucket for a head...
28.the local boat yard's phone number is number one on your speed dialer...
29. you'll marry a girl just to keep a good fore deck person...

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Leech- A crewmember that never seems to have a dime when its time to pay for drinks or meals.
Luff- The Front part of a sail that everyone but the helmsman seems to pay attention to (see also Telltales)
Luff up- Something racers do to each other to catch the back of the fleet Head -(See Stern Pulpit)
Halyard- Something that only breaks or jams when you're winning
Sheet- A line made to rip gloves or hands part. Has ability to tangle on anything.
Bow- The part of the boat that no one should have to work on. Temporary section of an offshore Catamaran
Backstay- The last thing to grab as your falling overboard
Stem Fitting- The hole made in a competitors boat when your helmsman misjudges a Port /Starboard crossing
Snatch Block-Men use to spend a lot of time at sea. They must have been shaped very differently in those days
Hatch- A hole to fall into
Companionway- Another name for a hole to fall into
Heave to-Newcomers quite often find themselves heaving too
Anchor- The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht (unseen)
Sewerman- A sailor that has a fetish for wet soggy nylon
Foreguy-First guy to the bar
Afterguy-Last guy out of the bar
Lazy Guy-Most Yacht Racers when they're not Racing (if this one offends you, please leave)
Winch- A thing you grind till it squeals
Wench- A thing you grind till it squeals
Keel- A very heavy depth sounder only used on Unamarans (monohulls)
Interior-A term not used in conjunction with racing yachts
Comfort- Another term not used in conjunction with racing yachts
Bunk- A small uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt sleep
Inside Overlap-The part of a race that resembles a political debate
Round Up-Easiest way to get the oncoming watch on deck
Round Down- A bad, bad thing for a bowman out on the spinnaker pole
Gybe Set- A great way to end up on Port Tack right in front of the whole
Fleet that's approaching the mark on Starboard
Pop the Chute-The sound a Poly Chute makes just as it blows apart (see America One)
Cunningham- A Sly Pig or a complicated term for a downhaul
Tactician-A kind term for a Smart Ass or Arrogant SOB or Dumb Ass or Lucky SOB
Helmsman-The nut attached to the rudder through a steering mechanism

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Sailing Terms

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Bare Boat - Clothing Optional.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe.

Boom - Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called `boom, boom.'

Bottom Paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Companionway - a double berth.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Deadrise - getting up to check the anchor at 0300.

Deviation - any departure from the Captain’s orders.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship’s bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can’t find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

First Mate - crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal

Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.

Foul Wind - breeze produced by flying turkey.

Freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can’t get the toilet to work.

Head up - Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense

Heave-Ho - what you do when you’ve eaten too much Ho.

Jack Lines - `Hey baby, want to go sailing?'

Jibe - either you like it or you don’t and it gets you.

Keel - term used by 1st mate after too much heel by skipper.

Ketch - A sailboat with good wine in the cabin

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can’t find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Noserly - What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Rhumb Line - two or more crew members waiting for a drink.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Schooner - A sailboat with a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the cabin

Sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Swell - a wave that’s just great.

Square Rigger - a rigger over 30.

Sloop - A sailboat with beer and/or wine in the cabin.

Tack – A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

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